During a two year period of clearing away the toxins in my system accumulated over a three year period of illness and too many prescribed medicines, I experienced strange disturbances in my brain and body. Episodes where my heart-rate would become irregular and the blood to my brain seemed momentarily halted. Silence would rush through my body like a cloud passing before the sun and with equal suddenness a wave of shock, chilling me to the bone, would cause me to shake uncontrollably, especially my arms and legs.
I was extremely frightened of these occurrences especially the moments when my electrical circuits seemed to briefly stop. I was leary of obtaining any medical advise and I wanted no more medicines. I felt that perhaps this was a symptom of my system healing itself even though I was not fully aware of the body’s ability to do so. The most important issue was overcoming the fear created by not knowing exactly what was happening and why.
I managed to hide these brief episodes, making me tense and self-concious, from my husband until one afternoon. After having fought uncomfortable symptoms off and on for most of the day, my system clicked into a more major episode which could no longer be hidden. I was panic stricken and so was my husband. I was unable to speak and sure he felt I had gone crazy.
My husband was extremely supportive though tentative about my refusal to see a doctor. It was a difficult period of adjustment for both of us. When I began having several each week, I was convinced to have tests made to determine whether maybe I had a brain tumor. Much expense was incurred and many tests only to find out that my brain waves were very abnormal which indicated a seizure disorder of unknown origin. It was suggested I take drugs to calm the episodes. It was the last thing I wanted to do, yet in the end, I agreed.
For the first four days I slept and it was a blessing. The world slowed down around me, and my brain no longer felt as if it were on a runaway train. In the second week while still on the medication, I had a sever seizure. It came quickly, without warning, and frightened me more than ever before. I felt I would slip beyond the conscious world and was not sure of being able to come back.
Fear of that unknown is what enabled me to hold on, but no matter how hard I fought this time, I slowly began slipping away as if sliding down a glass mountain. I cried out to my husband, who standing beside the bed broke down and began to cry. In that instant, I let go. I stopped fighting and burst into tears. The seizure stopped almost instantly and I saw so clearly, silently, humbly, that letting go of emotion was part of the answer I was looking for. Holding onto feelings had to be what was creating this disorder and I needed to explore what I was hiding from.
Within the next week, I developed an allergic reaction to the medication and had to stop taking it. Even though I was afraid that the seizures would escalate, I knew a new approach was necessary. I began going for long walks alone and creating time periods for myself in order to find again my inner voice. Whenever I felt a silent cloud descending around my brain. I ran to plunge my feet and or hands into cold water until I could see clearly again. The feelings associated with an oncoming seizure were abated. Six months of this regime and slowly, bit by bit the seizures diminished in time and frequency.
I was to discover that when I was unsure of myself and disagreed with others, I kept quiet in fear of confrontation and an inability to speak what was on my mind. The seizures were only a form of alarm telling me I was trying to run away, escape. I needed to find my voice. I needed to express my anger, my sorrow, my joy and find love and acceptance for myself.
I had lived alone for thirteen years and hadn’t realized how much I carried everything silently. If I wanted to heal the seizures, I had no other choice than to learn how to release feelings I was in the habit of holding on to.
My first moments of learning to speak-up were horrifying as my body trembled and my head reeled in fear. But, I discovered an echo of sureness which gave way to courage, peace and understanding.
I no longer have seizures. I have discovered a strength of soul that has enabled me to understand the importance of accepting responsibility for the illnesses I have created. Learning to listen and trust the guidance within myself has helped me to clarify and release traumas of my adulthood, childhood, and that that I carried into this lifetime from the past. I have learned to follow my heart.