Twenty nine years passed
and you would think it
plenty of time to have healed.

Yet only now am I seeing
how deep and pervasive
trauma is held
in the emotional and
physical bodies.

Only now can I see
how I have closed myself off
how I avoid looking people in the eye
how I shy away from large public events

I thought it was because I was more of an introvert
which in the greater sense I am
and never wrestled with the
idea that my feelings and actions
might be related to any long held
effects of trauma

It was only when I questioned
where did my smile go
what happened to the unbridled laughter
when did fear become an overriding factor
where is the anger coming from
what happened to trust
why such judgement

It was only when I compared
the me before the emotional and physical trauma
and the me after
that I got a glimpse
that there could be a connection

Seeing the possibility of truth and
recognizing the relationship between
buried feelings and their potential
effect on my actions

has given me license
to go deep
and to yeild
to the love
I’ve not been able to shower
upon myself
or let in